my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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