Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize