pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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