sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
