theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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