I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
