apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
