I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
