I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
