Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently you make a good broom.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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