True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize