People in love make me want to vomit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize