my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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