Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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