I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
