she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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