I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
