So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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