my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The uberlube is also flammable
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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