i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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