i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
