so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
