Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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