Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize