It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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