So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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