No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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