I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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