Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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