i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
