Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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