If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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