I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize