I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
