I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
