no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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