Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
