How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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