its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
