I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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