Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and she was petting her beer can
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
