Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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