This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
