She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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