The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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