she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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