i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
