i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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