If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize