my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
