ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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