I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You're like the curious george of whores
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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