Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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