Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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