I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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