I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
