i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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