You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
