new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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